Si in Toronto, Canada
Simon Lockington

I’m in Toronto, Canada at the moment. It’s pretty cold! At the moment it’s -5 degrees Celsius outside…

The 14 hour trip from Melbourne to LA wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I managed to weasel my way into getting an exit row seat which if you’re in economy is a pretty big thing. For those who don’t know, the exit rows are great cause there’s just about unlimited leg room, you can stretch right the way out and not hit anything, you can also get up and not disturb the people next to you. If you can’t fly business class, an exit row is the next best thing. Especially with Qantas’ policy of packing everyone in like battery hens.

As you’d expect, there were a lot of American’s on the plane which started off pretty cool. I was sitting next to an old guy from somewhere in Pennsylvania. He was very friendly, told me all about his church, dog and pickup truck which was cool. The problems started to arise half way through the flight when the plane is all darkened out and everyone is trying to sleep. Pennsylvania’s son and his crazy girlfriend came and paid Pennsylvania a visit which was fine except they could NOT talk quietly. Their voices boomed through the cabin like Thor the God of Thunder (with an American accent) and woke everyone up. The flight attendants tried to ask them to tone it done a little which Pennsylvania and Pennsylvania Jr didn’t appreciate much. Soon they grew tired of this and left, at which point Pennsylvania turned to me and said “I hope my boy didn’t wake you up, can be very loud at times”. You don’t say?

An hour later a pair of American women came and stood beside us (the downfall of the exit row strategy is that people congregate in the space near the door to get their blood flowing again. They step on your toes and all manner of badness). These two squawked away like loud piercing hens. Once again, the cabin crew had to tell them to calm it down.

LAX
Although I was travelling on to Toronto, I still had to clear US customs and immigration at LA. You have to pick your bag up off the carousel and carry it to another dude who puts it on another conveyor belt that puts it on the plane to Toronto. However before you get to do this, you’ve got to get through immigration.

You line up in the queue and get bombarded with announcements telling you to declare your didgeridoos to customs. That immediately foiled my plan of sneaking my personal didgeridoo through.

Public announcements in America always amuse me. It seems that genetically, most Americans are born to do public speaking and none ever shy away from making their announcement LONG. Why use five words when you can convey a more confusing message in fifty or more?

Getting past Mario the immigration guy was easy. I had been expecting an interrogation of some type but it never came.

As soon as I got out of customs I was ambushed by a nice gentle old guy and I knew immediately what he wanted. I’d been caught by dudes like him when I went to Las Vegas last year. These nice guys will ask you if you know where you’re going. You say no and they give you great directions to where you need to be. That’s excellent I had originally thought, these Americans are so friendly! However, there’s a catch. Within seconds he’s got his hand out asking for money for whatever cause he’s collecting for. I knew he was going to do this, but I’m a sucker and can’t say no when I should really be saying no.

I had been carrying around two US one dollar notes ever since the Las Vegas trip so I thought I may as well give this to him. He wasn’t satisfied with that and wanted more “We’ll take foreign exchange, hell, we’ll even take New Zealand dollars!”, at which point I walked off.

THE HOMELAND SECURITY MORONS
To go anywhere in the states now you have to pass through souped up versions of the metal detectors we have in Australia and New Zealand. The people operating these things obviously don’t really give a crap about you, they’re all about the gossiping with their mates as they tell you to remove your shoes, get your belt off, do this do that, and try and make themselves feel a little better about their lives by using sarcasm to answer your legitimate questions.

I saw this very elderly couple getting the full on third degree and inspection which was understandably upsetting them. All this while Osama bin Laden’s brothers cruised on by with barely a look.

MR LOCKINGTON TO THE CHECK IN COUNTER PLEASE
Often I have sat in airports listening to the announcements they make calling people to the check in counter. I sit and wonder how naughty they had to have been to get summoned, so I was a bit horrified to hear my name being boomed around Terminal Four. I tried to look all cool and slick as I went to the counter to see what was up, but I knew everyone knew I was the marked one.

I still don’t know why they called me, they looked at my passport and sent me off again.

TORONTO , CANADA
The five hour flight from LA to Toronto was pretty empty which was nice, there wasn’t much going on, except for the much-to-frequent commentary from the pilot who only liked to hear the sound of his own voice. He told us what each sound the plane was making meant and how it impacted on the flight performance.

Flying in over Toronto you could see the endless snow covering everything and I immediately felt cold. Though I’m pretty sure the girl in the halter top and very short shorts in the row across from me felt colder.

I had expected to get through Canadian immigration and customs fairly easily, I certainly wasn’t prepared for the five minute intensive grilling I got from the woman who wanted to know why I was here, training? What training? Who with? Who are they? What do they do? What’s the relationship between you and them? You’re a New Zealander but you live in Australia? Why? Can you explain the theory of relativity?

HOLIDAY INN, YORKDALE
I got booked into the Hotel and had a shower to get rid of the travel crustiness then went down to have dinner.

The restaurant was very nice, even had New Zealand lamb on the menu. I always check to see if there’s anything related to NZ where ever I go, there’s just about always some type of NZ wine or lamb or something. Just like whenever I fly into an airport, I always look out for Air New Zealand planes. Not sure why, I suppose it’s the idea that if the crap ever hit the fan, I could always get on that plane and go home.

I ordered up some Canadian beer and some chicken type thing from the menu and immediately saw that this was one of those restaurants where you don’t get a hell of a lot on the plate, but you get a whole lot in the bill.

It didn’t take much persuading to go to sleep that night. I use this herbal pill called Melatonin which helps prevent jetlag and I have to say it works, I slept fine and woke up the next morning as incoherent as I normally do back home.

THE WORLDWIDE HELICOPTER NETWORK
Before I go anywhere on a trip I try and organise to meet up with local helicopter guys and this time was no different. I had mentioned via email to a mate in Michigan that I was going to be in Canada and he rang up some heli guys he knew near Toronto and got them to meet up with me.

They drove just over an hour to Toronto and picked me up and took me around various places in the city, then we went out to a flying field and played with the helicopters in the snow.

THE SNOWMOBILES
Dudes on snowmobiles suddenly appeared and the heli guys hailed them down so I could take a look at them as I’d never seen one. Before long the snowmobile guys offered to take me for a ride which I was real enthusiastic about.

Snowmobiles don’t mess around. The one I was on can apparently do 130mph (yeah, MILES per hour - I asked several times) and after I got back from the ride I can believe it! When you hit the gas on these things, the tracks spin until they get a good grip and then it rears up and you’re GONE. My ass spent most of the time about half a foot in the air as we launched over bumps, and many times the only thing securing me to the snowmobile was my arms wrapped around this dude.

Once done with the snowmobile ride I resumed hanging out with the heli guys in the car trying to keep warm. That’s what they do here, go fly then immediately get back in the car and thaw out.

I saw a helicopter smash itself into the snow and start throwing snowballs everywhere which was a little bit amusing.

The Canadians took me out for dinner and we went round to a mates place and then dropped me off at the hotel. I had a great time with those guys.

OUT AND ABOUT
On Sunday I had intended on going to see Niagara Falls, but that’s a full day trip and there was a car picking me up at 5 o’clock to take me to Waterloo so the Niagara trip was out.

had stressed about the cold thinking I might not be able to handle it. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the temperature was not unlike a winter day in the South Island of New Zealand. The temperature did not get above zero at anytime I was there. That didn’t bother me so much on account of all the winter clothes I had purchased in my trip to Hong Kong so I strolled about as happy as Larry.

I decided to go into the city and have a look around so took the subway in. The way you pay for subway tickets was a bit confusing. You give the dude your money, he gives you the train fare through the window which you have to put in this little box that looks like a charity box. Then he passes you your change. I have got no idea what the logic behind THAT operation is, but that’s what these guys do here.

Union station is the closest station to the CN Tower which is where I wanted to go. I had my route all planned out in my head. Unfortunately that plan went out the window as soon as I stepped off the train… The Canadians have built this CONFUSING complex around Union station and I swear the same architect that designed the Caesar’s Palace casino in Las Vegas designed it. I strolled around for about half an hour trying to figure out how to get up onto the street (and look like I knew where I was going). Finally I threw in the towel and asked an old lady how to get onto the street. I eventually found the street but was no where close to being where I had planned to be. I walked around aimlessly (but still trying to look like I knew what I was doing), past all the homeless dudes lying on steam exhaust grates in the footpath…

It was by random chance that I actually found where I was supposed to be and so the mission resumed.

CN TOWER
The Canadians are real proud of this thing. They reckon it’s the tallest tower in the world and it’s pretty hard to dispute. I launched up to the top in the elevator that could double as a platform for launching rockets into the outer atmosphere.

I did the mandatory standing on top of the glass while you look down and hope to hell the guy that reckoned the glass can take 14 hippos without breaking wasn’t joking. It’s a long way down.

I also did the drink-the-coffee-and-survey-the-scenery thing, but I didn’t tip the nasty waiter who seemed to think that I was worthless scum taking up a table in his nearly empty restaurant.

The elevator dude on the way down liked to talk a lot (he might have been American…) and he asked us where we all came from. When I said New Zealand (I only ever say Australia as a last resort) a random girl started unloading on me about how SHE was from New Zealand (Motueka) and she’d been here since August, but it was so cold and where was I from? Melbourne? Wow, I’m going to go there next etc. She was cool though, the problem was my ears were blocked (the damn elevator moves so quick it doesn’t give your ears time to adjust to the difference in altitude) and all I could really hear was nah-nah-nah-nah.

I’m now back at the hotel waiting for the car that’s taking me to Waterloo where I’m doing the training I’m here for. So far, he’s 40 minutes late, probably run into a snow bank, moose, snowmobile, or maybe even a beaver.

Si